I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
