Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm passing your future prison.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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