...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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