Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
