Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
