The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
