You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
