I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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