I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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