1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
