i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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