Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
