No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
