there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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