I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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