i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
