Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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