Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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