I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
