I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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