if i can run in heels then i can drive
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
