this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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