And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
