i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
