Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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