we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
