WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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