I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
