i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
ttyl tear gas
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
