OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
