I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
