Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
