Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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