Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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