Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my being single is dangerous.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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