You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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