Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
why do cheetos always look like penises
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
