Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
