I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
