He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
