Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
