i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
