Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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