walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Will exercising make me less horny?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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