god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
