my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
