Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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