I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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