I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
