I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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