Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
