Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
