you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
