My room smells like vodka and shame
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
