8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
