I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Terrible idea I love it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You ruined the universe
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
