i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
