Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
