Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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